I have taken a break from streaming Tiger Knight as my main game due to frustration over the lack of control. But while looking for other games to stream, I began to feel the blunt of being poor. I cannot afford to keep buying the latest games to develop my channel, given the uncertain return. I would have wanted to stream Hearthstone / Shadowverse as my main game, but these games requires a decent amount of investment before one reaches a state of complacency. And without that complacency, nobody wants to watch my stream. It’s ironic that if you’re not the best at what you do… nobody cares, and this logic applies everywhere.
What’s the point of even trying in life? I’m constantly wondering what’s the point of having all these knowledge, if there is a no venue to use them. Seems to me that the rich gets all the opportunity since birth, a free stepping stone in whatever they do. So since I’m poor, can’t compete and can’t protest. What am I still trying for? I have absolutely no attachment to this world anymore. Everyday I wake up, I don’t know what I want to do. There’s no games that I truly enjoy, no shows I wanna watch, no things I wanna do. I still maintain the daily stream and exercise schedule, along with some housework and cooking. But I really don’t know what is needed to get back up. It just seems like, there’s no point in doing anything because I’m a complete utter failure. Can’t get a job, can’t get viewership on twitch, can’t get money to grow, can’t even read a damn book. I feel like I’m going completely backwards in terms of progress and its frightening me.
I still try my best to keep a healthy diet, along with reasonable portions. The cost of food is something I can still afford, so its not a major concern… just not a luxury. I haven’t eaten at a restaurant for months. Not even McDonald’s. I am however learning how to enjoy my favorite food by making them at home. Good thing that the raw materials for soba and shabu shabu aren’t too pricey. I really wish I could do more for myself at this time, but I really don’t know. Or maybe I just don’t dare to venture forward, due to the lack of a safety net. Perhaps if I can convince myself to throw all my savings into an investment, and kill myself on failure. That might just have to be the route to take…. no cost, no venture.
A very lost sheep